A place for jokes

[nonny]

The joke is funny Griffey. Kinda mean but funny

[pieisgood]

alright, another GWB joke:

So George Bush, his wife, Colin Powel, and Dick Cheyney are in an airplane. Dick Cheyney says to them: "You know, I could throw a hundred dollar bill out the window right now and make someone really happy."

Colin Powel then says: "Oh yeah? Well, I could throw 10 10-dollar bills out the window and make 10 people really happy!"

George Bush replies, "Well I could throw 100 1-dollar bills out the window and make 100 people really happy!"

His wife then rolls her eyes, and says "Well I could throw you all out the window and make the WHOLE NATION happy!"

another one...

A guy walks into the bar and sees George Bush's cabinet on the TV. He says "They're all a bunch of horse's butts." A guy from the other end of the bar comes over and beats him up.

When he comes to again, he sees George Bush's wife on the TV. "Aw, she's just a big horse's butt." He says. Another guy comes over and beats him up.

Slightly dazed, he wakes up once more. He sees GEorge Bush himself on the TV. "He's the biggest horses butt of all!" says the man. A third guy comes over and beats him up.

When he finally wakes up again, he says "Dang, this must be Bush country!"

"Nope," says the man sitting next to him. "Horse country."

-pie

[nonny]

Those are just mean.

[Kalena]

Yeah, they're mean, but funny! ;D

[AuntieSocial]

LOL - those poor horses!

Here's some fun with puns ... some oldies, but goodies

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Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

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A man rushed into the doctor's office and souted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

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A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live . forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

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A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who need enemas?"

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Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling West. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the statement, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

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A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

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There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

[Hilly]

An Easter Joke:

Three Canadian blondes died and found themselves standing before St.Peter.
He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him
what Easter represented. The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where
they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said,
"Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.


The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and
exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.
The third blonde said she knew what Easter was, and St.Peter said, "So, tell
me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish
festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples
when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung
Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they placed Him in a tomb
behind a very large boulder ... "

St. Peter said, "Very good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year they roll away the boulder and
Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

St. Peter fainted.

[BaalShemRa]

Irish jokes

Do you know why alcohol was invented? To keep the Irish from ruling the world.


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God makes the first Irishman and tells him:'I'm giving you this perfect wee island of a thousand shades of green.
The rains shall be soft, the sun warm upon it.
The salmon shall leap in your streams and the sheep grow fat upon your hillsides.
Rare the snow that will whiten your meadows, rare the drought that would blast your heath.
Full shall be your fields with corn, and the palm shall guard your shore.'

The Irishman looks round, suspicious.

'Oh lord,' says he, 'sure this earth is a vale of tears; sorrow and woe shall be our lot all the days of our lives.
Yet this land you would give us is paradise. There must be a catch...'

'Ah,' says the lord, 'wait till you see what I've given you for neighbours...'
_____________________

Jewish joke
Do you know why Mr. Cohen got a flat tire? Because the nail was anti-Semitic.


Misc.
________________
"Sincerity is everything. Once you can fake that, you've got it made." Groucho Marx

[nonny]

LOL those are all great. I must admit I forgot about this thread.

Adam and Eve jokes!!!

1) God comes to Adam and says "I have some good news and some bad news"

Adam responds" Um ok what is the Good news?"

God says "I have to new organs for you, a brain, for you to think. And a penis for you to procrete with. "

Adam asks"After these great gifts how can oyu have any bad news?

"Well" sasy God"When I orginaly made you I only gave you enough blood to run one at a time!"



________________________________

Adam goes to God and asks "God why did you make Eve so bueatiful?"

"So you would be attracted to her" responds God

"Then," Inquires Adam" Why did you make her so stupid?"

God quickly states"So she would be attracted to you"

[ck]

LOl i love all these jokes wish i coul;d think of some cool jokes...

I love the bush insult jokes they are great.
Well I could throw you all out the window and make the WHOLE NATION happy!"
is my favorite part.

[pieisgood]

;D thanks ck

George Bush is going jogging one morning and he sees a boy with a bunch of newborn puppies. "What kind of puppies are those?" asks George Bush. "Republicans!" the boy replies happily. "Yeah!" says Bush, excited.

The next week, he jogs by the same boy. "What puppies are those?" he asks again. "Democrats!" replies the boy, happy as ever. Bush is dissapointed. "But they were just Republicans a week ago!" he says

The boy says, "Well, they opened their eyes."

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There was a fire at the white house yesterday. Sadly, Bush's entire library burned down. Both books were destroyed in the flames. Due to the president's hectic schedule, he hadn't yet found time to color the second one.

[Griffey]

Haha, everyone, those are too good ;D Lemme get my joke book since the only jokes I've got on the brain right now are dumb trumpet, percussion, and clarinet jokes...(the holy wars continue!)

There was a fundie who lived in a house near a river, but the river flooded over one day and started to get water into all the nearby houses. Eventually the water rose to the point where everyone had to get up onto their roof, including this man.

A rowboat came by, picking up people. The person rowing it called, "Climb aboard!"

The man yelled back, "No, leave me. God will take care of me."

The water kept getting higher, and eventually another boat floated by, picking up people the first one had missed. The people inside yelled, "Get on!"

But he said, "No, God will take care of me."

Soon the water was so high that it was up to his chest. A rescue helicopter came by to look for stragglers. The pilot spotted him and yelled, "Quick! Grab this ladder!"

Stubbornly the man said, "No, God will take care of me."

So the helicopter moved on, the water got too high, and the man drowned. Up in heaven, he found God and said, "I thought you would take care of me!"

God sighed, "Look, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What more do you want from me?"

[pieisgood]

that's great.

[BaalShemRa]

Nazi jokes,

Hitler and Goering were arguing about the Jews, Goering stating that they were quite clever people and Hitler vehemently denying they were any such thing.
Finally Goering told Hitler that they should go out in the city and Goering would show Hitler it was true. Hitler agreed, so they disguised themselves and went out on the street.
Goering took Hitler into a shop, went up to the counter, and asked the clerk: "Do you have any left-handed teacups?" The clerk stared at Goering for a moment and then said no, mein herr, I do not.
The two left with Hitler complaining that he did not understand what the point of this was and Goering telling him to be patient. They went to another shop and Goering gave the same act: "Do you have any left-handed teacups?" The clerk stared and shrugged his shoulders.
They left with Hitler becoming incensed over this nonsense and Goering begging for patience. Finally they went into a Jewish shop; Goering again asked the clerk: "Do you have any left-handed teacups?"
The clerk smiled graciously, went into the back room and made a show of rummaging around, brought out a saucer and teacup, set down the saucer, and carefully placed the cup with the handle pointed so Goering could pick it with his left hand. "There you are, mein herr!" the clerk said.
Goering bought the teacup, thanked the clerk, and the two men left. Goering turned to Hitler and said: "See, I told you the Jews were very clever people."
"I don't see what was so clever about that," Hitler snapped. "He just happened to have one in stock!"


_________________
The scene is a bar in Berlin in January 1933, filled with Nazis. Goering is skulling stiens of beer with the brownshirts, Goebbels is sipping cocktails with a couple of groupies and Hitler is seated with a wild-eyed Hess discussing pupil diagnostics.
An American journalist enters, sees the full crew and realizes he's sitting on the scoop of the century. He asks the barman: "Which one shall I ask for the absolute bottom line on the Nazi plans?" "Goebbels, of course" answers the barman, "He knows everything." The journalist approaches and says "I want the bottom line on what this Nazi thing is." Goebbels flashes him a smile and says "We intend to kill six million Jews and one postman." The journalist's mind races. "But why do you want to kill one postman?" Goebbels shouts over to Hitler: "See Adolf, I told you no-one gives a fig about the Jews!"


___________________

Not Nazi,
This tale is said to be told by John Kenneth Galbraith on himself. As a boy he lived on a farm in Canada. On the adjoining farm, lived a girl he was fond of. One day as they sat together on the top rail of the cattle pen they watced a bull servicing a cow. Galbraith turned to the girl, with what he hoped was a suggestive look, saying, "That looks like it would be fun." She replied, "Well....she's your cow."

_____________

Contagion: A strory demonstrating the possible outcomes from interlinkages in the financial markets.
Back during the Solidarity days, I heard that the following joke was being told in Poland:
A man goes into the Bank of Gdansk to make a deposit. Since he has never kept money in a bank before, he is a little nervous.
"What happens if the Bank of Gdansk should fail?" he asks.
"Well, in that case your money would be insured by the Bank of Warsaw."
"But, what if the Bank of Warsaw fails?"
"Well, there'd be no problem, because the Bank of Warsaw is insured by the National Bank of Poland."
"And if the National Bank of Poland fails?"
"Then your money would be insured by the Bank of Moscow."
"And what if the Bank of Moscow fails?"
"Then your money would be insured by the Great Bank of the Soviet Union."
"And if that bank fails?"
"Well, in that case, you'd lose all your money. But, wouldn't it be worth it?"

[Yaw]

Can I invoke Godwin's Law on this thread?

I've always thought Griffey's was a good lesson more than a good joke. That is, regardless of whether there is a God, you have to act to help yourself instead of waiting forever. I remember when the Soufriere Hills volcano on Montserrat became active again, the British were evacuating the locals on ships. This one woman on the news actually refused to go on the grounds that God would protect her. I was instantly reminded of that joke, and that she really needed to hear it.

[nonny]

Hmmm Griffey where did you here that one? Even though it is really old ;D