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Post by Griffey on Apr 17, 2004 14:35:46 GMT -5
a jokebook, gosh NB dont you ever pay attention?? just kidding, this is the place for jokes right, har dee har har. I can't resist 1 trumpet joke. It's short. How do trumpet players greet each other? --Hello, I'm better than you are!
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Post by Hilly on May 19, 2004 20:37:32 GMT -5
A man goes to see Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion, and is inspired to take his family to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and died. While on vacation his mother-in-law dies. An undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to Wisconsin at a cost of $10,000 or the mother-in-law could be buried in Israel for US$500. The man says, "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here." The man says: "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
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Post by AuntieSocial on Jun 13, 2004 13:48:46 GMT -5
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing disagreement about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God decided to put an end to it.
Finally, He said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed in every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours.
Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it??!!" God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves"
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Post by AuntieSocial on Jun 13, 2004 13:50:29 GMT -5
An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him. One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?" Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here." "No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him." God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!" Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
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Post by Griffey on Jun 13, 2004 21:32:55 GMT -5
ROTFL! Those are good. Especially the Jesus saves one...I've got to send that one... ;D
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Post by Hilly on Jun 26, 2004 12:00:04 GMT -5
A monastery in the English countryside was having a hard time with its cash flow because of the dwindling number of monks available to help with all the work. Then one day two of the monks, who had been discussing the problem, suggested they open a fish and chips stand down on the highway, right next to a scenic vista area popular with tourists. The other monks agreed, and the two put up the stand. One day a tourist who wanted to offer a compliment asked the monk on duty, "Are you the fish friar?"
"No, sir," retorted the brother, "I'm the chip monk."
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Post by Hilly on Jun 26, 2004 12:29:36 GMT -5
MULDOON One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. And by the way, do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for such a service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
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Post by gameeks on Jul 2, 2004 14:17:05 GMT -5
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?" Does it never seam to fail that religion is based on money. Even though it says religion should not be based on money, but on faith.
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Post by pieisgood on Jul 13, 2004 23:36:17 GMT -5
lawyer joke (although you all could attribute it to theists A man goes into a jewelry shop and sees a fancy golden rat. Having carried some money with him, he purchases it and starts walking home. While he walks, rats start popping out of houses that he passes and following him. At first he thinks nothing of it, but after awhile he gets nervous. He breaks into a run, but the rats keep right after him. Finally, he reaches a river and hurls the golden rat into the river. The rats jump in after it and all drown. The man thinks about what just happened, and walks back to the jewelry shop. "Hi," he says. "I'd like to buy a golden lawyer."
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Post by AuntieSocial on Aug 24, 2004 20:21:52 GMT -5
There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, who was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.
Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles, putting up the planks, buying the paint and...yes, we're sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.
Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgement from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
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Post by Hilly on Sept 19, 2004 0:56:43 GMT -5
This is a story about a popular young Baptist preacher, who on Sunday morning announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract, and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave. Bubba, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a minivan, to transport their children!" The congregation sighs, and applauds. Billy Bob, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the preacher stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!" More sighs and applause. Ms. Ella May, aged 70, stands and announces, "If the preacher stays, "I'll give him SEX!!" There is a hush. The preacher, blushing, asks, "Ms. Ella May, whatever possessed you to say that?" Ms. Ella! May answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said....... Fuck him.
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Post by Hilly on Dec 5, 2004 9:44:07 GMT -5
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma." The next day the grandmother died.
Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say "God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and wenthome.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.
This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."
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Post by Hilly on Dec 5, 2004 10:00:35 GMT -5
A young boy attending public school was failing at math. His parents, desparate to see his grades improve, moved him to a Catholic school where they were sure that the lower student-teacher ratio would be of benefit. Sure enough, after only a week at the school, the young boy passed his first math test with an "A". The parents, overjoyed at the turnaround, questioned the boy on his success. He answered, "I saw that these people were really serious about math when I looked up at the wall and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign!"
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A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"
The man says, "Methodist."
St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"
"Baptist."
"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"
"Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"
St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.
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