Zell Miller -- the response

[Yaw]

Democrat (!) Zell Miller, Senator from Georgia, gave a speech on the floor of the American Senate on Thursday February 12 that, among other things, praised former Chief Justice of Alabama Roy Moore (of illegal decalogue-posting fame), quoted the bible at length, attacked the concept of church-state separation, and went after Kid Rock for his Superbowl half-time show, all while supporting resolutions to ban same-sex marriages, and to allow the display of the decalogue on public property. There is already a thread on this site presenting his speech and allowing space for intelligent discussion about it. But that aside, clearly a speech of this magnitude deserves only one response -- mockery.

I'm opening this up to our fellow members, to unleash the power of heckling as pioneered by Joel/Mike and the Bots from Mystery Science Theater 3000. Take part or all of the speech, and use this thread to make us laugh. ;D

[Griffey]

Hey Yaw, I didn't use quite that format... But I let my dear friend MOE (ie, me using a different name) have a shot at it, being a professional speechwriter. I think Miller should have used this one instead of his original.

Edited by MOE. (AKA, Mean Old Editor.)

There was an old hick who lived out with his sheep and wrote speeches for MLK. He had ideas that were kinda unoriginal. He went mad and foretold that we’d have bread and water but we’d all be deaf. Then he said a random THEY will run around and be deaf.

Deafness… Has anyone more accurately described the situation we face in America today? Because we sure didn’t hear it! *ba-dum-tshh*

But some will say, that was just an old hallucinating hick being quoted by a “democrat” with his head halfway up his arse. Ok, but what about some other random guy I’ll introduce to prove my (as of yet, elusive) point? He gave us a 86% chance of having our civilization collapse where it was. Then he died. But our civilization hasn’t collapsed yet. So maybe we should gamble more often because we seem to be pretty lucky—hey wait a minute…this doesn’t support my point…

*calls over speechwriter and yells at him, scratches out a few sentences*

Um sorry about that, please disregard that last statement. Because our civilization is going to collapse! It just hasn’t yet! I knew I should have used a different supporting point…

Anyway, on to a new tangent. I don’t like skunks so I run them over as often as I can. And I can tell you, and you can probably tell from my suit, it really smells.

I didn’t like the Super Bowl Halftime show. It relates to skunks because I don't like either of them. I didn't like the show because those rappers talk way too fast and I can’t understand any of the words, and made me feel really old because I had to look up the lyrics online. No responsible adult should know the lyrics. I mean, they’re really bad. Some of it is—wait, what the hell?

*calls over speechwriter and boxes his ears while lecturing and scratching out more sentences*

Sorry about that, that was in no way intended to imply my level of responsibility. Anyhow, I’m here to tell you all about my plan for the future. I plan to become even more of a bigoted fundie in the next few years. But I’m going to be a cultured bigoted fundie. I read the Constitution. It had big words in it but I finally finished it. And I’ve come to the conclusion that I was there when it was written and know everything about the motives of the signers. For example, did you know that when Alexander Hamilton was talking about rules he meant that there should be prayer in schools? I mean, he never said that…but everyone is Christian right? I can tell that’s what he meant.

I also learned another lesson: christocrat is not a dictionary word. But it means that only God can govern us. So no human is fit to govern other humans. Thus I believe in total worldly anarchy which puts me out of a job—what? Dammit!

*calls over speechwriter again and beats him with the rolled up speech paper while chasing him off the stage yelling “YOU’RE FIRED!”*

Ok, ok. Again, terribly sorry about that. Oh, darn, my time’s up. I should have been able to squeeze in more preachy crap if that darn speechwriter hadn’t been interfering. But now I can write my own speeches. By the way, read this unrelated book! And remember folks, silence ain’t golden, it’s yellow. Just like me.

[AntiReligion0000]

Yaw -- This post has been moved to the Senator Zell Miller -- statement for theology thread, where it belongs.